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The Real GOOD Loser, A Story That Could…
Chapter Eighteen: The D Words
“If you look down you’ll see a surprise… Once you see it you’ll always want it.”
—from the film Napoleon
*
Life is not what we see on tv, but our reality is most definitely influenced by it. Exhibit A: this office of Principal Sam’s I find myself sitting in now.
Things look different than it did over the summer. My principal’s desk; which was in the middle of the room before, is now turned facing the windows. This change was school gossip back in October.
“It’s suspicious students walking the hallways can’t see teachers’ computers.”
An administrator from downtown supposedly made this comment to Principal Sam when In-Person Learning had started back up. As a result, Principal Sam—always worried about funding— told teachers to reorganize their rooms so computers were visible to students. Teachers were annoyed by this but rallied around our principal, to “stick it” to this administrator.
None of this affected me because I don’t have a classroom of my own, but the whole thing bothered me as I saw similar behavior in the corporate world: No one trusting one another and everyone thinking someone was out to get them, so they’d get the other person first.
Teaching this class has me upset with what these kids are taking from the entertainment they are consuming—but we adults are no better.
This week in class I’ve been talking to my students about entertainment once again. Discussing the vast amounts of historical dramas being fed to us today, I introduced another acronym I created: M.E.A.N.: Misremembered, Embellished, Agitating, and Not-Exactly-True.
We humans are creative creatures—I wrote on the form requiring them to pick a historical drama to review— proof can be found in our ability to turn practically anything into entertainment. This is often all in good fun, and can be educational, but it has become more and more M.E.A.N. as of late. Creative minds do this for entertainment purposes mostly, but it has become counterproductive to the overall progress of a population that does not comprehend the effect entertainment is having on them.
I may have created that lesson out of frustration a bit as I continue to struggle privately. Fortunately, what I say to my students and what I think aren’t the same.
“We are living in an Egotistical and Idiocentric world today.”
Those are a few words I wrote in my journal. What I think I meant by that was, selfish idiots rule the world. I honestly don’t believe that, but it felt good to write at the time.
Sirena was proud of me when I got the funding for this class. She knows how hard I worked to get here and is still the only person I can talk to honestly about how I’m feeling sometimes. Talking to her about how much entertainment was bothering me lately, she suggested this show she’d been watching called Suits.
“It’s got a really good story,” she said, “with not all that other stuff.”
There’s a lot about entertainment that’s bothering me. The constant backstabbing in pursuit of vengeance is some of the “stuff” I was talking about. Negative Behaviors it would be identified as in The Sprinkle Scale lesson I did with my students. That drama about lawyers Sirena suggested had a ton of it. Only later did I realize what “stuff” she was talking about.
Sirena used to watch the show Gilmore Girls over and over. I watched every episode with her during the honeymoon period of our relationship. Given our past, Sirena might have thought of herself a Lorelai and me as her Luke once. I think I know Sirena better than she knows herself most of the time… but watching that show Suits had me wondering if maybe I’m wrong about that too.
In an episode of that show, one of the self-righteous lawyers said “caring makes you weak” when debating right and wrong. Knowing Sirena had seen this, I couldn’t help but wonder—What has caring done to me?
I finally quit on her show when one of those lawyers started smoking weed to cope with losing his grandmother. Watching that episode had me thinking that team of writers knew very little about actually smoking weed themselves. That’s the job I should have pursued, I thought, a writer on one of these shows.
The clock on Principal Sam’s computer changes to 7:13.
It’s cold in this office and I feel goosebumps on me. Classes are still remote, but many teachers do their virtual lessons from school now, and so the building isn’t completely empty. I’m warming my hands by rubbing them together when Principal Sam walks in.
“I owe you an apology,” my principal says placing a piece of paper on the desk and then sitting down. Grabbing a strap from behind one ear, Principal Sam removes her mask so that I can now see her face.
Principal Sam—aka Samantha—continues speaking sounding more relaxed. “I’m a frosty-haired, tiny old lesbian Jose. I think that makes me a little rough around the edges sometimes. Regardless, I know I haven’t been too nice to you since you’ve been here.”
I watch my principal say this and open a drawer to her desk. Grabbing her electronic cigarette, she takes a drag then places it back in that drawer like it’s no big deal. Seeing this, I am once again reminded that this school is just a bit different.
“The students love you Jose,” Principal Sam continues. “I don’t pretend to understand everything you’re doing with them, but I read your curriculum proposal the other day…you know that thing that got you this grant…whatever you call it. What you wrote about entertainment and education makes a lot of sense.”
“Thank you,” I say to the compliment. “I don’t remember everything I wrote in that though. Did Mr. Bernard give it to you?”
“He had emailed it to me way back, but I never actually read it.” The raspy voiced, frosty-haired, tiny old lesbian chuckles to herself, then covers her mouth to cough. Doing so has me noticing that tattoo on my principal’s wrist again.
That tattoo hides a scar from stitches. As a teenager herself, Principal Sam felt so misplaced and uncomfortable in this world that she would make tiny cuts on the inside of her thighs. “I can’t tell you why exactly I used to did that,” she said to the students she told this story to.
Taking this too far, she cut that wrist one day. Being the principal at this school—and preventing any of these students from feeling the way she did as kid—was her “calling” she said.
“I know I sound like a broken record Jose,” Principal Sam continues, “but I believe in a rigorous standards-based education…it’s how I was trained. Maybe that’s not the most important thing for these students— If you tell anyone I said though that I’ll deny it completely.”
“I get it,” I laugh at my principal’s smiling face. Feeling comfortable I decide to ask the question I’m in here for. “So, have you heard about funding yet?”
Spinning around in her chair, Principal Sam grabs that paper off her desk then hands it to me. I read an email correspondence between her and someone I don’t know. I don’t need to know who it is to understand what I’m reading.
“Your last day is January 22nd,” Principal Sam says after she sees I’m done reading, “The last day of term two.”
Below my heart and just above my stomach is where that emptiness inside me lives. That thing—whatever it is—takes a gentle gasp of air at Principal Sam’s words.
I knew the chances were slim my program would see additional funding. Between the Candace tragedy and bouncing back and forth between Remote and In-Person-Learning, this year has just been too chaotic for my program to gain any traction. And I haven’t heard from Mr. Bernard either.
What Principal Sam has just told me is not surprising. Still, it hurts…You’d think I’d be used to failure by now.
Leaving Principal Sam’s office I go straight to Lily’s. “How’d the meeting go?” she says seeing me walk in.
“Good and bad,” I answer sitting down. “She was really nice actually, but the funding isn’t happening…My last day is January 22nd.”
“Listen,” Lily says, “I have an idea I started working on already. Don’t give up on me J. I got you.” Lily smiles at me confidently. “Did you talk to MOY yet?” she adds quickly changing the subject.
I told Lily my mother refers to Sirena as MOY from time to time. MOY stands for Mother of the Year.
Sirena successfully sold the house we built after the fire and closed on the deal over a month ago now. Despite this pandemic, real estate is still sky high. After commissions, Sirena walked away with a profit of well over three-hundred thousand dollars.
In selling the house, Sirena secretly planned to move in with a boyfriend I didn’t even know she had. News that might have been easier to cope with had she told me. But Sirena seems uninterested in what will make things easier on me at the moment.
Over the past few weeks, Lily is who I’ve been venting my frustrations to. I can’t talk to my mother as she’s not a big fan of Sirena’s already obviously and I don’t want to make a bad situation worse.
“Yes, we talked,” I answer Lily’s question. “She gave me a check for three thousand to reimburse me for that tax credit.”
Lily sits up and slaps both her hands hard on the desk in front of her. “Are you kidding me!” she says loudly.
Lily and I have been debating how much Sirena would give me from the sale of the house. I said I’d ask for ten thousand, but she—like everyone else in my circle of support—was pushing me to demand more.
Sirena had been avoiding this money conversation. Two weeks ago, when I finally asked her what I should expect she snapped on me. “This isn’t what I wanted!” she yelled, “Give me a minute to breathe. It’s all about money to you!”
I wasn’t even two months into my stay at that halfway house when Sirena filed for a divorce. I told her I wouldn’t contest anything so that her and our son could stay in the house. I’d put them through enough I figured and might have thought I’d get her back at that point anyway.
Sirena promised to give me something if she did sell though. “Enough to help you get back on your feet,” she said caringly when we discussed it over the phone in Councilor John’s office the week before Thanksgiving that year.
“Hey,” I reply calmy to Lily’s outburst, “she gave me my artwork from before the fire. That might be worth something someday.”
“She realizes you lost everything in that fire too right,” Lily says firmly. “And that you and your dad built the house? — And that you’re the one taking care of her son now?”
I see Lily’s eyes studying me. Not responding, she lets out a sigh of annoyance. “Did you ask if she’s put money in an account for him at least?”
“I can’t ask her anything,” I say dispiritedly. “She’s literally incapable of being honest with me right now.”
“I just can’t believe she didn’t give you anything Jose. I’m sorry—she gave you tax money you let her have last year to help…What did she say to you exactly?”
I picture Sirena saying the words and tell Lily.
“That she doesn’t owe me anything for all I put her through…And that I’ve forgotten all she’s done for me…. And that giving someone like me a lot of money isn’t a smart thing to do.”
“What a cunt.” Lily makes another noise of annoyance; I’ve gotten used to her use of this word at this point. “Did you at least stand up for yourself?” she adds.
“Why do you think she said that stuff,” I answer.
This conversation between Sirena and me occurred in my parents’ driveway. Sirena was picking our son up and pulled up in her brand-new black jeep. Lily knows all about this Jeep; and her boyfriend’s truck that was purchased at the same time: “With his own money obviously!” according to Sirena.
Like me, Sirena was married before too—to a good friend of mine actually. Somehow he and I remained friends afterwards. Now that Sirena has sort of ran us both over, a part of me hopes we can become closer friends once again. Sirena had a daughter with this saint of man and that daughter was in Sirena’s jeep that day.
She’s only a month younger than my twins and is like a best friend to them still. She comes over and hangs out with us. And even went trick or treating with us just a few months ago. She will forever be a part of my story whether she realizes it or not.
Arguing with Sirena is most always dangerous and can become scary; with her daughter in the car, I didn’t want to make a scene that day. After Sirena said those things to me about money, I told her to just give me what she thought was fair.
So that she could give me a check and I could stop wondering how much her opinion of a “fair amount” would be, I then followed her in my car to this new boyfriend’s house. She handed me that check folded in half. “You’re not gonna look at it?” she said handing it to me.
I didn’t open it until she walked away. In that moment I felt like Will Ferrell in his movie Stranger Than Fiction: There’s no way this can be real, I thought looking at this check for only three thousand dollars.
“Jose,” Lily says, “I still don’t understand why you put up with this. You really should stand up for yourself. You’re a great dad.”
Lily knows exactly why I put up with all this—I’ve told her a number of times already.
When I do stand up for myself Sirena threatens to take my son and have him live with her. She has the divorce agreement and my history on her side and so she is sort of doing me a favor by letting him live with me.
There’s also that stuff she threatens to tell people whenever I stand up for myself. I’m ashamed to admit that the stories Sirena tells her circle of support does have some truth sprinkled into it.
Drinking and doing those pills together was fun for a while, but when money became an issue and she could stop when I couldn’t, things got really ugly at times. Telling Lily this, I told her that Sirena and I loved hard…but we fought hard too.
Using hand-me-down furniture and sharing a bed that sits on the floor at my parents with our son, while Sirena and this new boyfriend have all our new stuff at his house, and a bank account full of money super stinks. Sirena’s sister and brother-in-law acted as realtors in the sale of the house. Which means the two of them walked away with way more than I did. So, there’s that little cherry on the screw J over Sunday too.
Yes, it all most certainly does super-duper-duper stink for me. But I’ve told Lily I need be quiet about this for now and need to start listening to myself.
“Can we just drop it?” I ask her. “It’s just money… I’ll get over it.”
Lily is many things. Her ability to be understanding is what I appreciate most.
I watch her take a deep breath after I speak—sucking in the words she wants to say. She slowly interlocks her hands before placing them on the desk in front of her. I see the anger fade from her eyes.
“Okay,” she says straightening up and turning her frown into a pretty smile. “I won’t talk about cunty-face anymore Jose. But karmas not a bitch—it’s a mirror… remember that.”
*
Article Title: The ‘D’ Words
Dated: Friday, December 18th, 2020
“Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to change.”
— a quote from the film The Lorax
This week we I told you again that I’m finding entertainment more and more disturbing for a number of different reasons.
Entertainment today aims at making everyone feel represented so people can feel good. The few feel good maybe but the many are getting more confused, and confusion is often solved easiest with anger… Am I lying?
Entertainment today is bursting with hidden agendas and ulterior motives. It is over-reaching and pushes too hard to promote and advocate for change—or equality—or justice—or inclusion—or acceptance. ENTERTAINMENT IS ATTEMPTING TO BRAINWASH US WITH ITS SELF-RIGHTEOUS PROPAGANDA! … Am I lying?
Entertainment has taught us that we humans can disagree about anything and everything and that this world is full of Doubt, Disagreement, and Dickheads. … Am I lying?
In the book Feeling Good, a depressed self-image is characterized by the four D’s: defeated, defective, deserted, and deprived. Are those The D Words this article refers to? I guess you’ll just have to read and find out…dickheads.
“Truth is like poetry and people f’n hate poetry.”
—From the 2015 comedy/drama titled The Big Short
Entertainment is an exaggeration of truth. It always has been but today I’m seeing it turned into a more and more ridiculous and destructive exaggeration. There is also truth in entertainment though. Take this movie The Big Short for example.
That movie turns the 2008 financial crash I mentioned in last week’s article and turns it into entertainment. At the end of that movie, it says this to its viewer:
Banks took the money the American people game them and they used it to pay themselves huge bonuses and lobbied congress to kill big reform…and then they blamed immigrants and poor people.
You are living in the period of history that movie warns us about just so you know.
Dr. Sues—the author of the book-turned-movie The Lorax I quoted to begin this article—used stories to not only entertain but educate at the same time. Consider this article my contribution to the cause.
My argument today is this: Entertainment is the purest type of Magic on the planet.
As long as we humans have walked this Earth, the ability to tells stories that inspire people, that give people hope, that motivate people, that transcend the way we think, is Magic—pure and simple.
That said, the ability to tell stories that scare people, that give people anxiety, that make people worry, that frighten people, that corrupt the way we think, is also Magic—pure and simple.
Did you know that entertainment has been found to act like a drug on the brain?
Is that true or did I just make it up? … Does it matter?
Entertainment can be a wonderful thing. It can distract us from the mundane and transform us into the unknown. With the internet today, our entire lives revolve around entertainment. No matter who you are, or where you are, entertainment connects us all.
Consider Carl Icahn, someone you probably don’t know who has control over your life in ways you probably can’t imagine.
A quick Wikipedia search would tell you this billionaire supports multiple animal welfare campaigns—specifically pigs for some reason—and that he is often attacked for his cutthroat business practices. What could you have in common with someone like him?
In a documentary I watched recently, I saw Carl Icahn casually refer to himself as “being like Ray Donovan”. Ray Donovan is a show my parents watch but not me. From what I know, Ray Donovan is a good guy doing bad things.
In that documentary Carl Icahn compared himself to a character he saw on screen. Have you ever compared yourself to a character on screen?
For those that might care to know, if I could be a vigilante character on screen, I’d be Denzel Washington’s character in The Equalizer: a man with laser-like focus who speaks soft but can kick butt strategically if necessary.
Allow me to try and kick some butt here by offering you a quick history lesson.
The character Superman was created in the 1930’s by two teenage Jewish immigrants; Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster. These men selling the rights to a creation that would give birth to a billion-dollar industry for $130 dollars is comic book legend today. They got screwed over financially, but I like to think them being remembered for their creation means more than money in many ways. These two men will forever inspire dreamers like me…and are proof that great artists can come from anywhere.
Superman’s first issue was released on April 18th, 1938. The Great Depression began in 1929 and lasted until 1939—according to Wikipedia. Was it a coincidence this hero showed up right when that depression was ending?
That was a difficult time to be alive. Resources were tough to come by and much of the world was at war. Children had to practice wearing gas masks in school back then— Could you imagine?
I’ve read books talking about life back then. In them people found themselves confused about what was really going on. They were scared and tired and did not who or what to believe.
Does any of this sound familiar to you?
One thing that made Superman a hero back then was his ability to help anyone on the planet by flying at super speed through the clouds. Whether a high-tech missile was headed your way, or you were in an intense battle against some secret-agent Russian boogeyman, Superman could be there in an instant. There was not a threat this man could not handle and not a place he could not be.
Back then the ability we have today to communicate with one another instantaneously from anywhere would have been considered science-fiction. The internet would have been a superpower beyond comprehension. It would have been like seeing a man dropping down to Earth from a cloud above. Kind of ironic we call the internet The Cloud don’t you think?
So… what are you doing with your superpower today?
Sometimes the world around us is not what we want it to be. But we have the power to change it. If you are up to this challenge then I advise you to remember The Real D Words: Determination, Destination, and Deliberation.
J.K. Rawling used those words in her Harry Potter books when describing the ability to Disapparate: to magically disappear from one place and reappear in another. In those fictional stories, Harry and his classmates had to learn from their teachers how to successfully do this.
“One had to be completely Determined to reach one’s Destination, and move without haste, but with Deliberation,” according to Wilkie Twycross; Ministry of Magic official and Apparition Instructor.
People pay a lot of money in the real world to attend trainings where they’ll teach you just like Harry’s teachers did in those books. (Think Tony Robbins) Did that author hope her stories would someday inspire people in the real world? I think she did——that’s some real magic shit right there!
What makes a story compelling? … What do most all good stories, movies, and shows need?
They need bag guys, that’s what. In literary circles these bad guys are called antagonists. Also referred to as enemies, adversaries, or competitors. They obviously don’t need to be “guys” either. For this article, let’s keep it gender neutral by calling them “bullies”.
Stories need these bullies to make entertainment entertaining. But how has this affected us humans in the real world?
Our obsession with entertainment has fueled this belief that bullies are everywhere. If everyone is a bully, then we are all bullies, and it appears all of us have been humping like rabbits, resulting in a world full of bully rabbits.
So… Are you a BULLY RABBIT?
Let us consider another superhero for a moment: Batman.
If you look at the story of this character shown on screen over the years you will see this character exist in a darker and darker world. I’d suggest focusing on how his parents are killed in the various origin stories; the homeless junkie accidently shooting them in one, is replaced by a more brutal killing in another.
Is it a coincidence that this character’s world gets darker and darker right along with our own?
The latest Batman movie—set to be released in 2022—has a new trailer for it I watched with my boys the other day. The end features this hero smashing in some guy’s face referring to himself as “vengeance”. People are very excited about it.
Don’t get me wrong, it can be fun seeing our heroes on screen get revenge, but that pursuit in the real world can leave a person feeling empty. On the rare occasion it is achieved, the reward (if we assume is rewarding) is not everlasting. That’s why I encourage a less exciting thing called forgiveness.
“People are kinder than they appear on screen.”
Could you imagine if this warning was displayed before a movie played in theatres? Sadly, most people think of the warning they see on mirrors when they are watching their movies: “Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.”
I’m starting to believe history will have us looking back on this period as The Dark Ages of Entertainment. I might just be a dorky-overly-sensitive dad, but I’m starting to believe we need to become more aware of what we are taking from the entertainment we consume. In fact, I’m starting to believe the future of the entire human race depends on it.
In the real world there are millions of people standing on a ledge currently. They are about to fall but no one is physically pushing them. If you want to be critical of my opinions, do your research: Find out how many people a year die by suicide and compare it to the number of deaths caused by crime.
This world pushes people in different ways. What if I’m right? … What if entertainment is bleeding into our reality? With our entertainment becoming darker and darker, could it be pushing more and more people closer and closer to that ledge I just mentioned?
“Feeding anger is a profitable endeavor.”
In shows and movies characters run into difficult people at every turn. Unreasonable people who seem to want to make life challenging for whoever they encounter. Does that perhaps have something to do with people becoming more and more difficult and less helpful in the real world today?
WEEKLY QUESTION FOR REFLECTION:
“Feeding anger is a profitable endeavor.” In your journals explain what you think this comment means and say whether you agree or not.
The Teacher’s Playlist:
Rocket Man by Elton John
“She packed my bags last night pre-flight.”
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(End of Chapter 18)
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Recovery High School 