“What the hell are you doing?”
Back at school I found myself in the principal’s office…again. The whole setup felt like dejavu; “What do you mean?” I asked.
Reaching out, the Principal grabbed a few papers, flipped them over and tossed them in my direction on the desk. Staring up at me was last week’s article with the title ‘dIverge’ typed across the top.
Someone had given Principal Sam a copy of my story. I wanted to blame whoever it was but was simply embarrassed instead, and now felt stupid. Racking my brain in an attempt to figure out what to say, I spoke the truth, “That was something I wrote for a creative writing contest.”
“Yes, I have heard, but why are the kids being told to ‘read and reflect on it’?” responded the Principal.
This confirmed it, one of my students provided the article and was reporting what went on in my class. Recognizing this, I answered the question, “Because each week I ask them to reflect on a piece of writing that I provide them with.”
“Yes, I know that Jose, but a story about suicide? With our students?? ARE YOU CRAZY???” the voice across from me was now angry.
There was nothing I wanted to say at that moment. I had been called crazy so many times in my life-the words had become my kryptonite. Quivering in my seat, it felt like the walls were closing in; the roof was caving, and the office began to look like four white padded walls. I felt like I was in restraints, unable to move. All I could do was listen as another dumping filled my ears with muffled sounds….
“You may leave now,” said the strange face across from me now coming back into focus.
Walking directly to the faculty bathroom I shut the door behind me and locked it. I turned on the water (HOT). Rolling up my sleeves, I leaned on the counter with my elbows, put my hands under the running water, and slowly felt it get warmer…and warmer…until it burned.
How fucking stupid…YOU IDIOT! What were you thinking giving them that article? You got too comfortable! You let them in! YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER!
Looking at myself in the mirror I saw that my eyes were bloodshot and heavy with tears-but I did not let them fall-I fought them like I had become some good at doing. What would I do next, I wondered, as the water now gracefully began to scold my hands.
“Should I play it safe from here on out?” I asked myself, worried that this program of mine-this dream-was now dead.
Contemplating this for just a second, my worry turned back into anger as I spoke aloud, “Fuck that!” I said to the face looking back at me in the mirror.
Knowing that my back was now against the wall, I decided to take Cricket’s advice and “Let the crazy out.” What was there to lose?
Week 7- (10.23.20) – “P.A.I.N. through Anger”
Alright, so I have a secret to tell you.
I’ve been posting all our weekly articles on a blog I started over the summer. This page is just for me…my personal war-against-the-world. Everything I write is done in a way that nothing can be traced back to me or this school. I do this in order to feel safe…I’m sure you can understand why I have not told you until now.
My articles have gotten some attention (not much but some).
Last week I received three comments. While two of them were moderately supportive, it was the third that simply infuriated me on a very personal level:
“Here we go, another Libtard spewing verbal diarrhea so that he can hear himself talk-you don’t know me my friend, don’t try and pretend you do! P.S. Don’t miss your train! LMAO.”- Anonymous
When did we become so talented at being hurtful?
I started this page of mine because I believed that the time had come to “Declare War.” (I was refereeing to war on the human psyche.) I believed that, “Words were the only weapons we needed.”
I have asked myself a lot of things in life. I have tried diligently to figure out what my purpose is. Throughout this process I have learned many things. I have learned to be quiet and ask questions when I wanted to yell. I have learned to be patient and stop when I wanted to run. I have learned to have faith when I didn’t believe in myself or anything else.
But now here I am, in a place that is far too familiar to me, asking myself yet again, “what is the point to living this thing called life?”
We live in very divided times-that’s no secret. For that reason, I had done my best to keep everything I wrote ‘apolitical.’ As careful as I had been, someone out there still found it necessary to call me this absurd name. I’d heard it used before on other people but never towards me; as if that should make a difference (the attacks between people and parties right now is absolutely out of control). The comment by this person reminded me that no matter how hard I try to make a positive impact in this world people would forever doubt me and my intentions.
Maybe they’re right? Maybe I am fake?? Maybe what I say is just a bunch of BS???
Now I’m sorry for voicing my negativity with you, and I apologize for my language, but this is what happens when I get angry. Why not try to get some use out of it and make it into a lesson?
Criticism is hard to take. I think we all know this. What people say about us hurts. Those that say they are immune to it are lying to themselves. We are all sensitive in certain areas of our life. ‘Pushing the right buttons’ is what people call it. That is what this comment has done for me: mission accomplished my anonymous friend…. Good-For-You!
What can I do about it now but simply use it as an excuse to vent my frustrations with life?
Well, here I go… No regrets!
In our world everyone is talking-all the time. No one knows how to listen. I’m no better, look at what I’m doing with these stupid ‘lessons!’
Let’s face it, we live in a time where most people would do anything for fame. Anything to escape the cage that is their life. Anything to be heard, to be appreciated, to be recognized. Anything to get rich! The things we do is absolute Ridiculousness (yes, I’m referencing the MTV show)!
People today are more likely to believe in ghosts, or that the world is flat, than they are to believe in people. In a world this divided, this selfish, (this stupid) how did I expect to be a voice that could unite?
Just writing that down makes me feel foolish now. People want to be entertained, not united. It is all so clear to me. I like to think of myself as a strong person after everything I have been through, but sometimes I just don’t know if any of it really helped me grow.
Maybe I have more to learn? Maybe now is not my time?? Maybe this world doesn’t need me???
At this moment the intentions of all this seems pointless. No one even reads anyway. Who’s gonna read anything I write? Who would waste their time?? Why would they when the television is so much faster???
Maybe I should stop. Maybe I need to quit. Why even continue….
Thanks again to whoever you are, as you have successfully brought me to that dark place where the anger inside me grows. It is times like these that I question what faith has to do with any of this…maybe faith is simply stupidity by a different name; perhaps faith is just a mental illness like they say?
I hope you’re happy. It is because of you that I now realize that everything I did was wrong.
OKAY!?! I realize now-I realize-I realize. ARE YOU HAPPY??? You win. I’m done. I will try and figure this all out for myself- I don’t need you…..or anybody else! I’m done…SOOO DONE!!!!
Week 7- Question for Reflection:
Is anger a motivator?